We Watched Fast and Furious 6 So You Don't Have To

Check your brains in the parking lot and cinch down your cupholder mounts for two hours of cars blowing up, cars making wildly improbably leaps, squadrons upon squadrons of girls in bikinis, and plenty of short sentences that burble out of Vin Diesel's pie hole, because "Fast & Furious 6" opens tomorrow.

We saw it. Now you don't have to. And in true "Fast and Furious" form, the best and most coherent part of this movie is the fact that there will be a sequel. We can already infer some predictions:

1. In every "Fast and Furious" movie, poor Vin Diesel has to fight someone increasingly larger than himself. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in the fifth movie, Danish bodybuilder and real-life Contra character Kim Kold in this one. Based on this escalation, in the next movie Vin Diesel will fight the planet Jupiter.

2. Except for several hundred innocent motorists and their passengers, nobody ever dies in the "Fast & Furious" franchise. Does this mean we'll see the return of Jesse, the poor sap who got machine-gunned to death in the first movie? Will he be driving the same white Volkswagen Jetta? Will he have to buy it back from Frankie Muniz first? Will Frankie Muniz play the bad guy in the next movie?

3. The value of Jensen Interceptors will increase fivefold. The value of undamaged Vauxhall Astras will skyrocket. The value of original Ford Escorts, its owners not wanting to be associated with such a tawdry piece of work, will plummet.

And so on, and so forth.

We expect the franchise to go on for the rest of civilization's existence. But for now, you can read our review of the sixth movie at Autoweek.com, as well as our predictions for the future. Commer Spacevans and Humber Super Snipes, unite!